


Eternal is the Night

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Bullied Castiel, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Gen, Illness, M/M, Mutual Pining, Teen Dean
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-13
Updated: 2015-10-12
Packaged: 2018-04-26 03:38:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4988752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>High school had been a train wreck for Castiel Novak, a lonely misfit who's attempted suicide kept him out of school for eighth grade. It's only when he meets Dean Winchester by chance, that he starts to see the beauty in the world. But betrayal and circumstances keep them apart. Twenty years later Dean Winchester shows back up in Castiel's world again, with news that will shake both of them to the core. Eternal is the Night is the story of adolescent angst, adulthood regret, and never ever surrendering.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Eternal is the Night

Castiel smiled, burrowing deeper into the blankets and his lover’s arms. Balthazar’s grip around Cas’s waist tightened, as he spooned him from behind. _This is perfect_. Cas thought. _It almost feels like_ -. Stop. Don’t. He shook the thoughts away, turning instead to look upon his lover’s face. He and Balthazar had been together for nearly a year now, and everyday things got easier, felt better.

They met at a mutual friend’s wedding and hit it off right away. The playboy englishman had put on quite a show for Castiel, but the latter didn’t mind. He craved attention and hadn’t been wanted in that way in a long time. It felt good. Balthazar numbed him, helped him forget his pain. He was like a painkiller, and Cas was addicted.

Castiel leaned forward and placed a soft kiss to the tip of Balthazar’s nose. The other man moaned, his eyes darting behind his eyelids, Cas reached up, pushing his hair back away from his face.

“Cassy stop,” Balthazar groaned, “I’m trying to sleep.” Cas sighed, resting his forehead against Balthazar’s. He was not a morning person, had never been. Cas couldn’t ever sleep. He’d tried pills and went to various doctors, but they could never quite cure his insomnia, so Cas laid in bed most nights, staring up into the darkness and letting his past sweep him up and take him away, until the first rays of sun, when he would tuck it all away and act as if nothing happened.

Balthazar didn’t know a lot about him. Cas didn’t want to talk and he didn’t press. They stayed in the present, never venturing too far into the past, Cas appreciated that, because it felt better to lie to himself than to admit that Balthazar couldn’t replace what his heart had lost long ago.

Cas heard his phone buzz. It vibrated against the bedside table. Balthazar turned from him, throwing a pillow over his head. Cas sat up, letting the blankets fall to expose his naked chest, he reached for the phone, brow furrowing as the number was Unknown.

“Hello?” he asked, pressing the phone close to his ear.

“Cas?” Castiel sucked in a hard breath, the recognition of that voice flooding through him, it’d been nearly twenty years since he heard it, since they’d spoken or seen each other, yet there was still that touch of affection, that understanding he hadn’t heard since.

“Dean?” Balthazar was awake now, spurned by the change in Cas’s breathing, he sat up next to Cas, motioning towards the phone in a ‘who is it’ manner, Cas held up his finger, he thought he was dreaming, because that was the only place he heard Dean Winchester’s voice anymore. Dean chuckled through the phone.

“Man it’s great to hear your voice again….How are you?” are you okay? It was the question hidden within the question. Cas tried to steady his pounding heart, heat rising to his cheeks in embarrassment. Balthazar stood, deciding to give Cas some privacy, and went to the bathroom.

“I’m good.” Cas managed, trying to take the tremor out of his voice, “I’m better than good actually, things are going great,” he wanted to scream, he wanted to scold Dean and ask him where he’d been. Why he never wrote or called, why he broke every promise he had made. But he didn’t and he hoped Dean couldn’t read him, couldn’t tell by the shake in his voice he was lying. Because Cas wasn’t good, he was barely hanging on.

If Dean noticed he had the decency not to say, “Good. That’s...That’s great Cas,” they fell silent, an awkwardness settled over Cas, he shifted, holding the phone closer to his ear, the sound of Dean’s breathing had a soothing effect on him. He cleared his throat.

“Was there...Was there a reason you wanted to call? How’d you even get my number it’s been….it’s been so long,” Cas hoped he didn’t sound mad or annoyed, he wasn’t. More than anything he was ecstatic, jumping up and down inwardly even if a part of him was still angered by the fact Dean had never called til now. He had called. That was the important part, and time went backwards, Cas was seventeen again, talking to the boy he loved.

“Yeah actually.I got the number from Jo…. I’m uh, I’m in ShoreBrooke and I wanted...I was hoping you’d wanna meet me back up at Harvelle’s...I want to see you.”

I want to see you.

Cas smiled at the words, Dean was there. Dean wanted to see him. Dean hadn’t forgotten him. Cas nodded, forgetting that Dean couldn’t see him through the phone. “Yeah,” he said after a moment, “Yeah when do you want to meet up?”

“Actually...I’m here now...I don’t know I just...I came into town and it was the first place I wanted to go. I just...Can I see you now?” there was a tremor in Dean's voice, a break that Cas had only heard once before, the day Dean had left ShooreBrooke, the day he left him.

“I’ll be there in thirty minutes.” Cas said, hopping off the bed. He heard Dean sigh in relief.

“Good. Can’t wait man….See you then.” Cas hung up, throwing his phone back on the ebd as he went to the closet.

“So who was that?” Balthazar asked, coming out of the bathroom. Cas couldn’t help the smile on his face nor the joy in his voice.

“An old friend of mine.”

 

Twenty five minutes later Cas was walking into Harvelle’s Sports Bar. He’d come here time to time with Balthazar, but it didn’t have the same feel that it did when Dean had been there with him. Back then this had been their spot, their place to relax and enjoy each other’s company. Everything about it reminded Cas of Dean.

“Hey Cas,” Joanna Beth, Cas’s friend from high school and the co owner of Harvelle’s smiled at him as he sat down at the bar. Cas meant to smile back, but he was feeling anxious, he had to know if he’d been dreaming, he had to know if this was really happening.

“Is he here?” Cas asked, forgetting his manners. Jo smiled back at him, motioning with her head. Cas turned, his breath catching in his throat.

Dean stood a few feet from him, hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans, eyes locked on Cas. They stared at each other, sizing one another up and taking in the changes in one another. Dean had grown, bulked out a bit more with muscle and had beautifully tanned skin. His blonde hair looked as though it’d been combed with his fingers and stubble lined his cheeks impressively. His eyes were all that remained the same, Cas could see the longing in them, the look that he’d last seen the day Dean left.

Dean smiled shyly, kicking at the floor with his boot. Thirty seven years old and beautiful, yet Cas was still able to render him speechless. “Hiya Cas,” Dean managed after a moment. Cas took a tentative step forward, reaching out to touch Dean’s shoulder, to feel that he was really there.

“Dean…” his voice fell off as he wrapped his arms around Dean, there weren’t a lot of people there, an old couple in the corner and a single man at the bar, yet it felt like their own little world, nothing and noone but the two of them. Dean hugged him tightly, Cas could feel his body tremble against him and pressed his fingers into the small of Dean’s back, hoping to soothe him. Dean buried his face in Cas’s hair, inhaling his scent.

“It’s been too long,” Dean said as they pulled apart. He motioned to Jo and she nodded, going around the bar to bring them two beers. Dean led Cas to a booth in the far corner, sitting opposite him. “You look good,’ he said, as they sat. Cas nodded.

“As do you.”

“What have you been up too?” Cas shrugged, he hadn’t really done much since High school. He graduated and went to work for his father. Everything that had been planned for him since his birth.

  
“Not much...I work for my father. He’s training me to take over the family business.” Dean nodded, a look of understanding in his eye. He knew Cas didn’t want the family business anymore than Dean had wanted his. It was something that had connected the two of them, the need to please their father’s. Something they both had failed at continuously. “What about you? You just...I mean you show up out of nowhere and-”

“I have cancer.” Dean blurted. he hadn’t meant too. It jsut came out. He watched Cas still, the smile in his eyes fading as he took in Dean’s words. Dean squeezed his beer bottle, his hand shaking, he waited. Cas broke his eyes away from Dean, looking down at his lap. Dean watched the color drain from his face.

“H-How long? I don’t understand-”

“Two years...They thought I’d beat it when I went into remission but it came back, this time it’s more aggressive,” Dean took a shuddering breath, he reached across the table, rasping Cas’s chin and forcing the man to look up at him. “I’m….I’m dying Cas,” admittance. Acceptance. He felt more relieved than scared. Dean watched as Cas’s eyes became glassy, Cas sat back, swallowing hard, his throat bobbing, he looked out the window, at cars racing by and people walking down the street. Dean could see his mind racing, the gears in Cas’s head working overtime.

“H-How long do you have?’ Cas managed, his throat felt closed up and his world was spinning, never in a million years did he imagine that their reunion would be like this. He couldn’t look at Dean. He just couldn’t.

“Two months at the most….They said if I have any final business to take care of I need to do it now….” Cas nodded, he felt Dean reach back across the table, the other man’s hand covering his own. Dean’s hands were rough and calloused, no strangers to hard work. A broken sob bubbled up from Cas’s throat against his will. Dean only squeezed his hand in reassurance. “I’m here Cas,” he said.

“Why?” Cas asked, his eyes cutting back to Dean. Dean’s emerald green eyes were stormy, dark and at peace. As though he had long ago accepted his fate. “Why come here?” Cas’s voice trembled. “What final business do you have here?” He asked, knowing full well the answer.

“You.” Dean said simply. “It’s strange, but you never left me….What we had….it was real. It was something that I’ve searched for in others, again and again and can never find. You’re there in my dreams and in everything I do. I haven’t...I haven’t been able to be at peace for a long time and when  they diagnosed me you were the first person I thought of. I wanted to see you one last time. I wanted to tell you the truth. The day I left you scared me. You cried for me and begged me not to go. I knew you needed me, but my family did too. It ripped me apart just as much as it did you Cas... I wanted...I wanted to return the last words you ever said to me. Because I meant to say it then.” Cas’s eyes widened as Dean took his hand and placed a gentle kiss to Cas’s knuckles. “You said you loved me then, you said you were sorry and you didn’t mean for things to go as far as they did….I wanted to tell you I love you too and I’m glad that they did….I wouldn’t change a thing.”

Cas was speechless. His heart came to a halt in his chest. He didn’t know what to say, in all his wildest dreams he never imagined, never thought, that Dean would say that to him, that Dean would truly return his affections. Dean realized Cas was too stunned to speak, so he hurried and finished his speech, praying silently that Cas still cared, still wanted him.

“I came here to ask you to come with me….I’m going on a last road trip down to California to visit my brother Sammy. He’s married now you know? Got a wife and a kid, she’s two, cute baby, looks just like him….I wanted you to come with me, like we talked about before. I know it’s last minute and we haven’t seen each other in years….But if there’s any chance you still feel for me what I’ve always felt for you...Will you come or no?”

Cas didn’t know what to say. Everything felt too good to be true. Dean was here, even though it was under terrible circumstances, he was there and he loved Cas. He had actually said that. Cas had waited for so long to hear those words. So it killed him to look at Dean and say what needed to be said.

“I can’t,” Cas watched Dean’s face falter, it only shifted for a moment before returning to that stony impassive gaze, but his eyes hid nothing from Cas. Cas saw Dean’s world crumbling, the same way Cas’s had that day so long ago. “I….I’m sorry Dean. I’m so so sorry…” Dean shook his head, a fake smile plastered on his face, he took a swig of his beer, trying to blink back the tears that threatened to spill.

“Forget it,” he said, “It was stupid..” Cas went to say something else but Dean stood, reaching down to pull him up and into another hug, this one tighter, and longer. “It’s good to see you Cas...You look great and I really do hope you’re happy…” He pulled back and clapped Cas on the shoulder. Cas wanted to scream, to beg and cry, but he didn’t. He stood like a statue, unwavering. “I’m a..I should go. I got an early morning ahead of me.”

“You’re leaving so soon?”

“Yeah,” Dean said, his eyes downcast now. He couldn’t look at Cas, if he kept looking at him he felt like he would break. He just wanted to get out of there, to flee. “Yeah I just wanted to see you...One last time.”

**  
  
**

 

Cas felt numb when he entered his apartment. His mind was still working in overtime, trying to wrap around everything that had just happened The smell of dinner wafted towards his nostrils, it made him want to throw up, he couldn’t eat right now.

“Hey,” Balthazar walked down the hall, an easy going smile on his face. “How’d it go?” he asked, coming to a stop in front od Cas. Cas flinched when he reached out, making Balthazar freeze. Cas had never recoiled from his touch before. “Cass-”

“Don’t.” Cas said thickly. “Just _don’t_.” He pushed past Balthazar and into the hallway. He wanted to lie down, he wanted to sleep forever, he heard Balthazar follow him, but ignored the footsteps as he reached his bedroom. He lied down on the bed and curled into a ball, feeling once again like that tiny seventeen year old he had been when he met Dean

“Cassy? What’s going on?” Balthazar asked, his voice tinged with alarm. Cas took a shaky breath, burying his face in his pillow.

“I tried,” he muttered. “Everything was going great. I had you, I was finally getting over it. Getting over him...Then he shows up. That bastard shows up again just as I’m finally moving on and he...He says he has cancer. He’s dying and that he loves me...He wanted me to go with him...Go on one last ride but I can’t. He can’t expect me to pick up everything and leave like that. He...he just-” the dam broke and Cas cried, he curled up tighter and sobbed, shoulders shaking and chest heaving, it hurt, he hadn’t cried like that in years. And ironically the last time he’d cried like that...Was over Dean. “I gave him my heart and he ran away with it.”

“Hey,’ Balthazar cooed, stroking Cas’s hair, “Hey. It’s okay...It’s going to be okay Cas.” Balthazar didn’t know how to comfort Cas. Cas had never spoken much of his past and had chosen to keep that part of himself in the dark, which was fine and didn't really bother Balthazar. But Balthazar knew that this Dean meant a lot to him, Cas never cried, not when Balthazar got hurt or in trouble, never. Cas was not his. Had never been his. “Listen to me Cassy…”

**  
  
**

 

Dean sat on the edge of his hotel bed, an empty beer bottle in his hand. He sighed, a tear drop landing on his hand, it was warm as it slid down and around his wrist, he wished with all his might the cancer would just take him then, he didn’t want to go on anymore. Not without Cas.

He knew somewhere, in the back of his mind, this trip was futile. It’d been twenty years since he’d spoken to Cas and it was irrational for him to think Cas had been pining for him the way he had for Cas. Of course Cas would move on and live his life, the way Dean supposed he had been supposed to. But he didn’t. Dean’s heart had stayed with Cas, and even now he didn’t have it back.

He was about to lie down when a knock came to his door. He groaned and slowly climbed off the bed, getting more and more agitated as the knocking increased, building to a slow and steady pounding.

_“Alright!”_ Dean snarled. He unlocked the door and threw it open, ready to fight whoever was on the other side. But he stopped, freezing in his tracks when he saw Cas, standing there, face streaked with tears and eyes red, Dean’s mouth fell open. “C-Cas what’re you-”

  
“I’ll go.” he said, reaching up and wrapping his arms around Dean. Dean was too stunned to move as Cas buried his face in Dean’s shoulder. “I’ll go with you...Wanna go with you...Please...Don’t leave me again….Don’t leave me.” Slowly, Dean wrapped his arms around Cas, pulling him into the hotel room. Cas kicked the door closed behind him, never releasing Dean from his grip. Chests pressed together, Dean could feel Cas’s heart beating against his, the rhythms matching up, as they always had. When  Cas pulled back Dean reached up, wiping his tears away with his thumbs, Cas took a shaky breath, closing his eyes and leaning into Dean’s touch. “I love you,” cas said breathlessly. “I love you so much. I always loved-” Dean silenced him with a soft kiss. It was more than perfect.


End file.
